Separation and divorce can take many different forms because everyone is unique. I want to share a story of a young man who was going through a divorce.
He said, “Kevin, I’m really having a hard time with this. You know, I’m a mess, so can you talk to me and help me feel better?”
I said, “Sure, sure…. Well, you know I’m trying to think, as I’m talking to you now, I don’t know what I can possibly say that can help you relax the most…. You know, I guess we can talk about different topics and see, you know, if you can begin to feel more relaxed as we’re talking about different things.” He was just listening, and I said, “I guess I could talk for a while and see if that helps you feel more relaxed now.”
After about two minutes, he finally said, “I feel great, what are you doing?”
I explained to him that I was using words that could help him visualize feeling relaxed. In other words, I kept using the word relax (e.g. “I don’t know how you can relax”). I kept throwing that possibility out there, back to him, and he was in rapport with me, going along with it, imagining himself relaxing unconsciously, and it began to work.
So, what I do when I work with people who are going through very challenging transitions is I help them learn to feel more comfortable, and it happened within two minutes for him. The inspiring part of this story, and the reason I tell it, is because it shows how possible it can be to change, no matter how hard it might feel right now.